END OF LIFE ISSUES

As many of you know, since February 14, 2008 I was the caregiver for my Auntie Dee in her battle with Stage III Vulvar Cancer. My husband, sons, and I alone cared for her since last February, 2008 (she had been diagnosed at the end of January, 2008) as she had never married and had no children of her own.

Other family members were out of the picture for many decades for one reason or another. Plenty of anger over past hurts, excuses and blame to go around as in any large, dysfunctional family.

I was not a party to any of that, but just like Christ, I am the one suffering for the sins of the multitude.

Closer family members to me, turned their backs on my aunt and I when we found out I was the executrix and beneficiary of the will.

For many years, my husband, sons, and I assisted my aunt with different chores around the house and various business matters. At one point in 1999, Auntie Dee gave me power of attorney to assist her in a personal matter. I did, put the document in my safe where my aunt asked me to store it with her sealed will; and then, between raising two boys, going back to school for my Master's Degree, and working full time, forgot about it for the next decade.

That is until a telephone call from a screaming relative had me searching my safe at 9:30 at night on the 13th of February 2008. Ah yes, there was much yelling, gnashing of teeth, poison e-mails, threats, and bad behavior by many involved.

For my part, I had 2-3 minutes of quite vociferous anger, loudly voiced and colorfully charged, on a relative's answering machine. When I calmed down, I immediately went to confession and repented. It was a bad reaction to a horrible e-mail I had received.

Funny, but everyone, from attorneys to religious, who reads that e-mail and hears of my reaction to it, agrees that the reaction was understandable, even as I still wish it had been more politely articulated.

Now, those same family members, and two others who had NOTHING to do with my aunt for decades, are trying everything they think is in their power to prolong probate, and cost me many more thousands of dollars than I have already spent in helping my aunt over this last year and a half.

I'm sure they think their tactics will bring me to my knees.

I only kneel before THE GOD...not those who believe themselves to be gods!

As they continue to dig their heels in, they are wasting time and very limited resources that are sorely needed to pay medical, reverse mortgage, and astronomical credit card debts.

My uncle's wife told me that the living room furniture and a credenza in the house were worth a fortune. The furniture is scratched and threadbare. An appraiser came in and told us that it is not worth the cost it would incur to refinish it. That credenza hasn't been in the house since the late 80's as far as I can remember. My aunt had sold it, and many other knick-knacks and furnishings after my grandfather had died, when she was no longer getting his social security money each month, and before she took out the reverse mortgage.

Something my uncle's wife or her children would have known if they had ever bothered to put the past behind them and tried to rekindle relationship there.

It was really a pleasure to hear my uncle's wife basically tell me I was less important than the furniture; even as she told me she was a good Catholic woman who goes to church every Sunday.

I told her I teach good Catholic women; and more than that, I lived the good Catholic woman's life this last year plus, through service to my aunt. The telephone call ended rather quickly after that exchange. Can you imagine that?

In the midst of this debacle, I have recently had to make some decisions with the help of a probate attorney. It is with a very heavy heart, and only after consulting clergy and attorneys, that I must have a summons served not only on the two cousins, who probably wouldn't have known my aunt if they had fallen over her; but, on my own mother.

A woman whom it seems, since she has not contacted me nor have I been allowed to contact her, under threat of an order of protection, has forgotten she has not one but TWO DAUGHTERS!

And the younger daughter, the "accident" is the one she has thrown under the bus!

ME!

The worst part of it all, is that the cancer was not what killed my aunt. She was actually doing quite well with that after two surgeries and radiation. Even going out shopping on her own on the town jitney or with my husband or I or my older son; and, ordering materials for a new kitchen floor that she intended to, and very easily could have, installed herself with minimal assistance, had she not fallen and broken her hip this past March.

Yes, that 5 year prognosis was looking pretty good, and she might still be with us today, and I would not be in the middle of this insanity, if she had not needed a hip replacement and complications arose. Even still, she rallied enough to be discharged to a rehabilitation center for physical therapy, to learn to walk again. But, then an infection took hold and in her weakened condition, things spiraled downward very quickly.

My aunt spent the entire month of March in the hospital with the hip fracture, surgery, and recuperation. She spent two more weeks in the rehab facility before I got the call early one morning that she had been rushed to the emergency room. I couldn't imagine why. When I had left her the night before she was sleeping soundly and peacefully.

I was in no way prepared for what I encountered in the last bay all the way around the half circle on the left side of that emergency room. I had been told on the telephone that Auntie Dee was unresponsive; but, I could never have been prepared for it.

She lay like a wounded bird on that hospital bed, tiny, her back arched in pain, her mouth open, moaning and gasping for air. Her eyes open but unseeing. I spoke her name and told her I was there; but she didn't seem to understand.

My younger son had gone to the hospital with me; but, I alone was allowed to see my aunt. I guess I looked like I was going to drop to the floor as I spoke to her because all of a sudden there were strong arms around me guiding me to a chair. A gentleman with the kindest eyes I had ever seen was asking me if I was okay.

What does Jesus teach us in Holy Scripture?

That we must see Him in the poor and vulnerable that we serve. Well, in this instance it was I being served and He came in the form of the janitor..the kindness of strangers!

Since February 2008, Auntie Dee and I had relied heavily on the kindness of strangers. And, I thank God for each and every one of them every single day even, as I lament the destruction of one part of my extended family.

During the entire time I was assisting my aunt over the last year plus, many times, I would say to the secretaries or volunteers who drove my aunt to appointments when I simply could not be absent from work, that I wish I had a mother to talk things over with...to ask advice...to help with the decision making.

But, that was not to be.

And, so I sought expert opinions, talked things over with my aunt explaining everything to her. All she kept saying to me was, "Rosemarie, I want to live. Help me live."

Each time, I would promise her I would. And, I really thought that we had bested the situation. We went for opinions, second opinions, I researched, called everyone I could think of and I believe in the bottom of my heart, that if she had not fallen that Auntie Dee had a good chance at the magic 94 years (the age my grandfather died), if only she hadn't have taken that one misstep that ultimately ended it all!

"If only's" like "used to be's" "...just lay on the floor 'til you sweep them away."

And then, you are faced with situations that you have to learn how to deal with in a hurry. Kidneys stop working, certain things begin to happen that can be prepared for given the right resources; and, the ability to foresee the need to study those resources before the inevitable happens.

That is why, when I saw the following link on Twitter tonight from @disability, I knew I must share it with you. It's hard to think about, but those we love are finite on this earth. When a health crisis occurs we must be ready not only for our loved ones and their comfort, but for our own well-being as we watch and help them pass from this life to the next.

Whether you are facing the situation now or not, please take a look at this information and prepare yourself. Hospice didn't have time to prepare me; because things turned so fast for Auntie Dee. And yet, if you read past posts here you will see much of what is on this link I have discussed, as it was happening with my aunt.

We don't make things easier on ourselves when we stick our heads in the sand!

I pray, you might never need to use the information listed there. But, please click on the link, gird yourself with the knowledge you may need to help your loved one pass comfortably.

More importantly, I beg you if you have hard feelings over past hurts, GO TO THE PERSON WHO HURT YOU...IF THE HURT IS SO BAD YOU CAN'T BEAR TO EVER SEE THAT PERSON AGAIN, PRAY FOR THEM AND FOR YOURSELF. DON'T LET IT FESTER FOR DECADES OR WORSE FOR YOUR ENTIRE LIFE!!

AND, PLEASE, PLEASE, DON'T TAKE IT OUT ON A THIRD PARTY THROWN INTO THE MIX NOT OF THEIR OWN ACCORD. ALL YOU ARE DOING THEN IS PERPETUATING THE HURT AND SPREADING IT FURTHER.

OH, IF YOU THREATEN SOMEONE WITH AN ORDER OF PROTECTION (ESPECIALLY IF YOU DO IT IN WRITING) OVER REAL OR IMAGINED THREATS...REMEMBER, YOU JUST GAVE UP YOUR RIGHT TO COMPLAIN THAT THEY DO NOT CONTACT YOU!!

NEVER WRITE NASTY E-MAILS ON YOUR WORK ACCOUNT WITH YOUR NAME, YOUR ORGANIZATION'S NAME, AND YOUR FUNCTION BOLDLY EMBLAZONED ON THE BOTTOM...PEOPLE TEND TO SAVE THOSE.


PARENTS:

LOVE YOUR CHILDREN EQUALLY!

DO NOT TAKE SIDES!


AND, EVERYONE:

CHECK YOUR PRIORITIES:

FLESH AND BLOOD...HEARTS AND SOULS,

SHOULD ALWAYS TRUMP

NUTS AND BOLTS...DOLLARS AND CENTS!


If, in your life, they DO NOT...then, Re-Evaluate, Re-Assess, and Re-Connect with those whom you have thrown away.

In the end that is what you will be judged upon NOT credenzas, NOT bank balances, NOT control, NOT ego...but, how well you loved through the hurt, real or imagined, that you endured.

May God Bless You and Yours and Keep You Safe.

CANCER CARE: END OF LIFE ISSUES